The Godfather in two minutes (spoilers ahead)

This is something I wrote for a laxative ad a few months ago. I hear it was published somewhere. Will post the link later if I can find it. It’s not particularly funny or anything… The idea was to tell a long-ass story in less than five minutes – to constipated people. Also, please note that this is an abridged version of the book, and not the movie; so you might find some key differences down the line. Hope you don’t hate it too much.

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Meet Don Corleone – biggest, baddest badass in the history of big, bad badasses. If you’ re not his friend, you might as well go cut your prize stallion’ s head off and just die. Real smooth guy. Will first make you an offer you won’ t understand. You refuse, you’ re dead. Diplomatic, too. So diplomatic that, once he’ s done threatening your ass, you actually WANT that bullet in your head.

We have him, his useless wife, three sons, annoying daughter and her wife-beating bastard of a husband. Oh, and family lawyer Tom Hagen, who is actually the Don’s super awesome errand boy. Eldest son Sonny is a hotheaded moron – finds orgasmic pleasure in running things his way. Second son Freddie is a pansy and (ironically) a skirt chaser. Youngest son Michael is brave and educated. Wants to have nothing to do with the family business (OR SO IT SEEMS). Has a non-Italian girlfriend – which is a crime.

The Don gets shot at – by random freelance gangster Sollozzo. Survives, but severely incapacitated. Sonny wants revenge. Michael (SURPRISE!) wants to do the job – at a frickin’ restaurant. He DOES. Packed off to Sicily, where he cheats on his girlfriend in style. The Don recovers, but is not his old menacing self. Sonny is gunned down in the streets like a bitch – for being a moron.

Michael returns. It’ s now up to him to take up the family business of selling olive oil – and killing people in cold blood. Asks girlfriend Kay if she can forgive him. She says no. Then says yes. They get married. And make babies.

The Don dies. Michael appointed successor. Orders execution of the heads of five other families – for plotting to kill his father – or something. Murders his own brother-in-law, too – supposedly for being responsible for Sonny’ s death and for being an overall jackass, but actually just for kicks. Sister Connie throws a fit. But later she’s all “meh; whatever.”

Michael is now the biggest, baddest badass (a.k.a. Don) EVER. Kay doesn’ t approve, so she runs away. But Tom Hagen manages to bring her back – because he’ s awesome like that. She’ s bitter that she’ s married to a cold-blooded mass-murderer. So she goes to Church. Everyday. And prays for poor little Micheal Corleone’ s soul – just in case he goes to Hell, overthrows the Devil and fucks shit up for everyone down there.

The end.